


But Is There a Map On the Back?

by weird_situation



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Gen, patriotic crack?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-04
Updated: 2012-07-04
Packaged: 2017-11-09 03:51:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/450939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weird_situation/pseuds/weird_situation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers play Truth or Dare. Natasha steals the Declaration of Independence. Steve hates everyone (especially Nicolas Cage).</p>
            </blockquote>





	But Is There a Map On the Back?

**Author's Note:**

> Was Bruce on the run when National Treasure came out? Not sure, but if he was, insert handwaving here. Also, here be crack.
> 
> Inspired by a bunch of posts on tumblr that talked about the Avengers having to steal the Declaration for some reason.

The Avengers (minus Steve) were drunk. And when they were drunk, they played games best left to twelve-year-old girls.

“Truth or dare, Natasha?” Tony asked.

Without a pause Natasha said, “Dare.”

Tony frowned; he knew most dares wouldn’t phase her at all, he needed something epic. Sipping his scotch, he smirked as an idea formed.

“I dare you to steal the Declaration of Independence.”

Steve choked on his lemonade. Clint and Bruce started laughing and Thor looked confused.

“What is this declaration you speak of?”

“It’s the document that the United States wrote to state their intention of separating from England. It’s considered one of the most important pieces of American history,” Bruce explained.

“Then why would Tony ask Natasha to steal such a thing? It seems it would cause great panic and turmoil amongst your people for it to go missing.”

“That’s precisely why he dared her to steal it,” Clint said. “He doesn’t think she will.”

Tony frowned at him. “And you do?”

“Oh, I know she will.” Clint toasted Natasha with his drink.

Natasha smiled at the horrified look Steve gave her.

“You can’t just steal the Declaration of Independence!” Steve couldn’t believe he was in any way, shape, or form affiliated with these…hooligans.

“Nicolas Cage did,” Bruce muttered into his beer. He frowned as he realized the bottle was empty and turned pleading eyes on Thor, who merely handed over his beer (last time Thor had refused to give a tipsy Bruce his alcohol there was a Thor shaped hole in the wall from where the Hulk had punched him through. Thor was a great sharer of booze now.).

“Who?” Steve wished he had a stronger drink. And the ability to get drunk.

“An actor. It was a movie. JARVIS, put National Treasure in the rotation for movie night.” Tony threw back the rest of his drink. “Alright. I think we put the game on hold until Natasha completes her dare.”

“Of course,” Natasha agreed. She stretched before rising to her feet. “Clint, will you be my getaway driver?”

“Always.”

“I think we should all be there in the car for this,” Tony interrupted. “You know, to make sure it all goes okay.” Or because Tony had always wanted to be an international jewel thief. Never mind the fact that they were going to steal the Declaration of Independence and not jewels. The details didn’t matter.

“No. I refuse to be a part of this.” Steve glared at Tony.

“Oh c’mon, think of it as…team-building,” Bruce said with a lopsided smile.

Steve turned his ‘I can’t believe you would encourage such deviant behavior’ look on Bruce. It didn’t work. Bruce had gotten that look so often when he tempted Tony with science that he’d grown immune to it. 

“I shall go on this quest with the others and make sure they return safely, Steve,” Thor offered.

Gritting his teeth, Steve ignored everyone as they got up and made plans on which vehicle to take (a non-descript SUV) and when to do it (that night).

*

“I hate you all,” Steve said from his spot in the SUV. He glared out the window as they waited for Natasha’s return.

“No, you really love us,” Tony said cheerfully, passing the thermos of coffee to Thor. Thor drained it before handing the thermos back to Tony who went to take a sip and pouted when he realized it was empty. He had to stop sharing his coffee with Thor. The god was almost as addicted as Tony.

Clint shushed them as Natasha strolled out of the National Archives and towards them. She made it to the SUV without any alarms going off and Clint drove off once she was secured in the passenger seat.

Natasha handed the long tube back to Tony, but Steve intercepted it.

“You are not opening this here. We’ll wait until we get back home, see that it’s the real thing, and then return it immediately.” No one argued with Steve, but Bruce and Tony giggled in the backseat, and Clint smirked at Steve in the rearview mirror.

*

“Dear Lord, I cannot believe you actually stole it.” Steve covered his mouth in horror. Then uncovered it to say: “No, I can believe that. Now, please return it.” How he ever agreed to this, he didn’t know, but clearly some sort of sorcery was involved.

“Yes, yes. That’s the plan, no need to get snippy.” Tony waved a hand in Steve’s general direction before turning to Bruce. “You don’t think there’s really a map on the back, do you?”

Bruce’s eyes took on a glint that meant science was happening in the immediate future and Steve frowned.

“No. I said we were returning it as soon as it was confirmed; it’s going back now.”

Everyone ignored Steve as Natasha carefully turned the document over and they stared at the back.

“What is this map you speak of?” Thor asked.

“Supposedly it leads to a ginormous treasure,” Clint said, eyes never leaving the Declaration.

“Ah, a quest! Indeed this is something that must be explored,” Thor said earnestly to Steve.

Steve threw his hands in the air and walked out of the kitchen muttering about insane teammates.

He wasn’t gone for long; he really didn’t trust them alone with it. Thankfully, they hadn’t managed to destroy the Declaration in the two minutes he’d been gone (it never took long for them to rain disaster down on something).

Clint and Thor were slicing lemons and squeezing the juice out into a bowl and Natasha left the kitchen, only to return with her hairdryer.

Steve said nothing, but watched warily as the rest of his team gathered around the Declaration.

Tony carefully swiped some lemon juice on the aged paper before turning Natasha’s hairdryer on and carefully aiming it where the lemon juice was.

Holding back for all of a minute, Steve snapped and strode forward and yanked the Declaration out of Tony’s grasp.

Everyone froze at the loud ripping sound that filled the room.

Tony was the first to break the silence. “Did you just…?”

Steve looked ready to burst into tears. “This is all your fault!” he hissed as he examined the tear in the paper. 

It was bad; nearly half the length of the page.

Clint and Bruce looked at the Declaration, then each other, and started laughing hysterically, clutching each other for support as they slowly sank down onto the floor. Natasha shot them a disapproving look, a troubled frown on her face.

Thor was bemused. He thought such a great treasure would have been more…sturdy.

“What do we do?” Tony’s voice was hushed; he may have been reckless, but destroying national icons wasn’t exactly something he could be proud of. Unless they turned out to be evil. Maybe the Declaration was evil and then it would all be okay. A guy could hope, couldn’t he?

Bruce hiccupped and lifted his head from Clint’s neck. “Call Coulson?”

“No need.” Coulson entered the kitchen and took in the scene: Clint and Bruce sprawled on the floor, Natasha looking disgruntled, Tony scared, Thor worried, and Steve…Steve was holding a torn Declaration of Independence and tears of frustration were welling up in his eyes. “I take it Truth or Dare went badly this evening?”

“No it went great, sir. If you count stealing and wrecking the fucking Declaration of Independence as a good thing,” Clint said.

“Language,” said Coulson mildly. “And there’s no need to worry, we’ve got several copies ready in case something like this occurred.”

“You mean you planned for superheroes ruining national treasures?” Tony asked, a small grin starting to appear on his face.

“When one of said superheroes is Tony Stark, we have to be ready for every possibility.”

“Burn!” Clint and Bruce said at the same time. Tony flipped them the bird, and then frowned at Coulson for good measure.

“Is this even the real Declaration?” Steve asked.

Coulson gave him a small smile. “No. The real one is in a vault somewhere safe.”

Steve breathed a sigh of relief and let the fake Declaration fall to the floor. “I still hate you all. Except for you, of course, sir.”

Coulson inclined his head in acknowledgement. There was no way he was going to tell Steve that the one he’d ruined was the real Declaration of Independence. He had no desire to be the one to make Captain America cry.

“I take it there shall be no quest for treasure?” Thor was disappointed. He hadn’t been on a good quest in years.

Tony patted him on the shoulder. “We’ll find you an epic adventure tomorrow.”

Thor grinned brightly at Tony.

“Wait!” yelled Clint, startling Bruce, who’d been dozing on his shoulder. Everyone turned to stare at him. He blinked at the intensity of the attention (and the fact that Bruce had bit his shoulder in retaliation for waking him up. That was weird.). “Was there a map on the back?” His voice got smaller as the sentence went on, Coulson’s glare growing with every word.

Coulson reached down, grabbed the ripped paper, and strode out of the kitchen without a further word.

“Well. I think that was a resounding ‘yes,’ don’t you?” Tony said, ducking away from the towel Steve threw at his head.

*

The next movie night ended abruptly when Steve heard Nicolas Cage say he was going to steal the Declaration of Independence and threw a remote through the tv screen.

They didn’t watch any more Nicolas Cage movies after that.


End file.
